Poon Job's Palace

Much has transpired

2007-08-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

since I last posted. For starters I left the film I was working as a line producer on due to many reasons. Among which was a shitty script, shitty director, shitty lead actor, shitty budget, & shitty delayed schedule (coincidently one guy was responsible for all of this). So I decided I didn't want to spend 7 weeks in Vancouver that would have no doubt turned into 3-4 months. 3-4 months of my life wasted on a film that will never see distribution. It was finally too much to bare, plus the writer/director/actor/general-douche responsible for this all was talking mad shit about everyone, including myself. Now that I walked his "epic" is seriously in the shitter and probably won't start filming until next year, if at all.
But it's all good cause I am working on a few other films. I finally formed my own production company. We have a website and all...we're so professional it's ridiculous. Anyways, this weekend I directed my first short. We finished editing the bulk of it yesterday, and need to mix the sound a little bit, but it should be up and running on the net sometime this week. It is all done in glorious HD which we will host on our site and post a lower resolution on youtube and myspace.
I will not reveal more as, I wan't the zero of you that read this blog to be surprised. We will also be working on a series of new shorts in the following weeks, among all the other things.

Boredom

2007-08-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

So the last few weeks have been pretty busy with scheduling, budgeting, and casting issues. So the director took off for Vancouver (where we plan on shooting this gem) this weekend and left me all alone running this shit down here. My production manager decided she wanted to take a vacation, which was overdue I guess. My executive works another job on Mondays so I have no one answering the phones for me...and I consider myself too important to answer them myself.
So I sit in my darkened office, usually teaming with troglodytes and douchebags, all by myself. Its as if all my slacking this weekend carried over to the work week and I don't have anyone here to pretend to work for. Even this blog reflects my general malaise.
In other news I saw the directors last film and all I heard about it was how great it was. How groundbreaking it was. How magnificent the symbolism was. What was my take on it? It is possibly the worst movie I have ever seen. Its target demographic must have been the blind, deaf, and dumb. Never before have I seen such remedial symbolism melded so seamlessly with bad acting. It also featured quite possibly the ugliest cast I have ever seen. Now I am no spring chicken, but when I can fully say that I am better looking then everyone in this film, even the women, it is a sad state of affairs. It truly is shocking why such a great film (winner of 15 independent film festivals no less) hasn't found distribution yet.
It truly instills confidence in me as half the scenes in this new epic are stolen from the last movie. I don't plan on staying on in post-production unless I am given full creative license to edit the shit out of this piece. Good thing I have classier shit films to fall back on. I'm crossing my fingers for Dorm Daze 4.

A post for posting's sake

2007-07-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

I moved to LA a little while back to work on a new film project. I am production manager, creative editor, and a casting director of sorts. Translation: I have to deal with idiots who dream of making it as actors. Unfortunately no one in their lives told them they can barely read let alone feign any emotion. The concept of inflection while speaking is foreign to them all. Oh how I long for a 5th grader to read the script, cause I'd probably be more impressed.
Its times like this I wonder how people make it this far in life. These are fucking adults who claim to do this for a living. You'd think practicing their craft would allow them to get better.
Anyways, the preliminary auditions are out of the way and these are technically the worst...I can't wait for the next couple weeks while we filter out all the shit and maybe I get to see some semi-competent people.
Other than that, I now hate everything else about this movie. I am in charge of product placement, as well as scheduling and budgeting, which means I've read the script some 50-odd times. Bright side is, I get to read it more. Yay me! What started as a tolerable script is now just an utter piece of crap. Its kinda like how I felt about the movie Speed. I kinda liked it the first time I saw it, and then progressively hated it more and more with each subsequent viewing.

You stay classy San Diego

I am never gonna get a weekend off

2007-02-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

at least when i plan for one. This weekend was supposed to be enjoyable. No hospital obligations, no retirement home obligations, no film or investor obligations. Just me geeked out in front of my tv playing Crackdown or watching movies. What'd I get. A little bit of Crackdown and a whole lot of bullshit. For starters I was called to work 3 times and got to spend almost as much time there as I normally do when I'm on call.
Next I found out my care giver was stealing shit from my retirement home which led me to firing her and having to find a replacement. So I get to drive around to Vallejo (Philipino capitol of California) and look for one while worrying that the old one is cleaning out my place cause she would catch on that I was gonna axe her. Luckily I got the jump on her and surprised her with her canning. She didn't even get a chance to get all of her things and I told her I'd send her stuff to her. She came to me with one small suitcase of shit and tried to leave with a fucking cargo container's worth. She even tried stealing shit from some of my clients. Anyways, thats one headache gone.
Then of course a couple investors I had referred to some studios decided they needed me to help handle a meeting with a few of the higher ups even though the contracts were already signed and I assured all their bases were covered they still needed me to meet with them and have a phone conference.
To make things worse, my invitation to the 300 premiere in LA may have been redacted. Fuck it all.

Man Ring

2007-02-20T00:53:00.000-08:00

there comes a time in every man's life when they mus contemplate wearing a man ring. I'm not talking about a wedding ring, cause god only knows when I'll trick some girl into wasting her whole life with me. I am talking about the staple of male jewelry along with the gold necklace hidden among chest hair.
So I was in LA this weekend doing the Hollywood pitch schpeel and whatnot. Figuring out some investor things on a few projects as well as talking to a few studios trying to attach a few projects. The basic shit you see on Entourage. So anyways, I meet with 5 execs this weekend and I noticed that 3 of the 5 were sporting man rings.

One sported what looked like his college ring which is all well and good. I had issues with it cause he didn't win an NCAA championship of any sort and that is the only excuse I would ever give a guy to wear one of those. The next guy wore a glorious topaz stone deal, at least I thought it was topaz. And the final guy sported a gaudy, yet tres hip thick gold band. What did these 3 men have in common?
They were all relatively successful, appear to be rich, and all appear to be single from what I ascertained. Could being single be the key to success? Quite possibly, but I'm thinking its the man ring. Now I just gotta figure out which one would work for me.

2007-02-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

I was reading the following passage and it seemed apt. I have a cynical view on valentine's day myself which is why i don't really seem to be happy this time of year, but it is always in my best interests to blame evrything about the holiday cause passing the buck is the American way. Anyways...I agree with a lot of this which is kinda odd yet I felt the need to post it. Hopefully my dwindling readership will be more interested in something not written by myself:

Zod on "Valentine's Day"
Inhabitants of Planet Houston. Slaves of Zod. It has come to my attention that many of you have been preparing to celebrate a human emotion known as "Love". I have heard that this celebration is called "Valentine's Day" and that it is filled with all sorts of unnecessary luxuries that I did not give you permission to enjoy. And what is this "love" you speak of anyway?

Before killing a defiant slave for not kneeling before me, I asked him the question "What is love? How does one show it?" He claimed that it was a human way of showing that you care for another person. Like pets I suppose. Furthermore, he explained to me some of the ways that you humans express this "love" to one another.

First there is the exchange of "flowers", a most peculiar ritual. You humans actually rip flowers from the ground, the same plants that provide you with your life-sustaining oxygen, and give them to your loved ones? Why is it that you choose to give your loved ones the carcasses of befallen vegetation? Is this love? Perhaps I am beginning to understand and even relate to it after all. The way to express your "love" for someone is to demonstrate that you are willing to kill another life form for them.

Then there is the issue of chocolate. According to some, if the human emotion "love" could be collected and stored in an edible morsel, it would be chocolate. I went to one of your "stores" and took one of these "Whitman's Samplers" into my hands. Upon opening the box, I not only discovered chocolates, but I discovered a guide which informed me about what was contained within them. These unhealthy chunks of chemicals are how you show your "love" for each other? Pathetic. If you truly loved one another, you would tear out your own hearts and exchange them.

From my obviously correct perspective, "love" looks a lot like gluttony to me. While I am sure eating all of this "chocolate" would help you gain weight so that your knees would have more cushioning to rest upon while you kneel before me, it is not something I approve of. Your kneeling shouldn't be a "cushioned" experience, it should be painful. Because if you are willing to suffer to prove your allegiance to me, then that is the only way I will allow you to live your life as one of my loyal slaves.

But fear not my slaves, for I believe I have found the cause of this vile disease known as love. After much research, I discovered that there is a disrobed defiant minikin-creature known as "Cupid" who flies across the land. And while I see you are practiced in worshipping things that fly, the only flying being on this planet that you need worship is Zod!

According to what my studies have shown, this "Cupid" flies around and shoots people with his arrows so that they may fall in love. While arrows may break the skin of your fragile bodies, they can't possibly stand up to my eye lasers! Therefore, I have decided to kill this "Cupid" and take his place.

If you wish to "fall in love" with another slave, then so be it. I will shoot you just as Cupid would. And as your bodies turn to ash as a result of my eye lasers, your last thoughts should be about how you "loved" being a slave for Zod in your short and utterly meaningless little lives.

So this Valentine's Day, remember the following:

I do not love you. I rule you. I "love" to rule you. And the great General Zod will not hesitate to kill any of you to demonstrate this love. Never forget that.

Someone shit in my cornflakes

2007-02-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

which is cool cause I like rice crispies anyway. I never get to eat breakfast cause of my lame schedule so when I do get the chance to I enjoy it. Unfortunately some dingus jacked my personal milk carton from the lounge so I got to enjoy a cup of black coffee and no cereal for breakfast. I will track down the culprit and destroy them.
I also went back to court and got to deal with another bitch of a clerk. They made me wait a few days so I could give them my money now. They are so considerate.
Also...I decided I am going to cut my hair. My resisting a trim for no reason doesn't work when it rains, cause my jew fro gets extra curly when wet.
Full stop

I am a wanted man

2007-02-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

stupid speeding ticket. I apparently failed to appear before the date of my extension thanks to work and me getting pre-occupied. So I finally find my ticket with docket # and go in this morning to court. I got the evil look from the clerk which was great. I showed her proof of insurance and tried to pay it off. She wouldn't let me claiming since I was late I had to schedule a meeting with the judge. So I ask for a time slot with the judge today. She says no. I look at my sheet of paper that says arrive at the court house between 8:00 and 8:30 AM to register a slot. I look behind me in line and see one other person. I then look at the clock on the wall which says 8:05. So I ask her politely when can I register a time slot. She then tells me Friday. So I calmly say thankyou and walk away. She then yells at me, they may issue a warrant for your arrest.
I guess I shoulda shaved this morning...maybe I woulda looked less arab. Cause I still don't get why she was so mean to me. It almost made me want to cry.

I decided

2007-02-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

to unfriend someone in real life. Its so much more gratifying than on the internet, even though I did miss my mouse. Basically this guy had been lying to me about stupid bullshit for the last month and I finally had enough of it. I didn't mind most of it until last night. I went to my friend's going away party and the shit hit the fan. Assmunch had a puppy dog crush on my friend in spite of the fact that she has a boy friend, who also happens to be my friend.
This entry is my girly gossip one so deal with it. So my friend, lets call her Rock (the one who was supposed to join us at the Blue Bar on Friday) moved down to southern california today. Her boyfriend, i'll call him Heart is already down there for school. Since he's been down my ex-friend, has been working extra hard to put the moves on. I've talked with Patty telling her not to be as flirty with the guy but she's flirty by nature. For the last 3 months he keeps doing creepy things around her (he probabley has a doll made of her hair) and I confronted him about it. So he lies constantly saying he respects her, they're just friends, yada yada yada.
Long story somewhat short, he lurks around her while she gets loaded, puts the moves on her in full site. She resists, he still goes for it. I see this and tell him to talk to me for a sec. We go outside and I tell him to back off all nice and calm. He gets pissed at me saying I'm cock blocking. I told him to relax, he called me a bitch and called me jealous. He accuses me of trying to hook up with her failing to realize I'm actually friends with her boyfriend.

This shit is so highschool, which is why i am glad Rock and Heart no longer live here and I don't have to deal with their shit...now all i need are some lesbos in a hot tub and i'm gravy.

The blog is back again, but for how long?

2007-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

Apparently a request was made to bring this festering pile of crap back, and I am not one two disappoint. This blog is like the McRib sandwich, bringing its disgustingly delectible flavor for a limited engagement, depending on how long my readership stays. Seeing as the blog circle I frequented is back in full effect I decided to be motivated to push it to the limit. I could go Family Guy here and bring another pop culture reference, but I shall restrain myself. Been swamped with life and work in general but I sit here at work bored...putting in the hours so I won't have to be here on the Superbowl. I don't have too much hit to reflect on yet, seeing as I just saw my fanclub yesterday and they have already been updated.
Now back to business.
Jacqui...you are back in the links...not sure why you weren't there. Your icon pic will change whenever the hell i find some new ones, so worry not.
Joe, I look forward to more in depth analysis of all things horse related.
"I don't really get pleasure from him being inside of me. I get pleasure at the idea that he enjoys it so much."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Commentpalooza

2006-04-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

is what my last post was...that motha fucka blew up the spot which is why I decided to post again...that and ang demanded I update which leads me to believe that your life is empty without my blog.
So, whats new is my new business venture is pretty f'in productive apart from the fact that I hate my clients more and more with each growing day. New complaints every day, each of which I care less and less about. For example, on Tuesday I had a client complain that she hates Sour Cream and Onion chips. Why does she need to tell me that? So I tell my caregiver not to purchase it anymore. The fact that the house is stocked with a plethora of other flavors she likes doesn't seem to factor in. And the fact that when cleaning her room the caregiver told me she found 2 empty sour cream and onion bags under her bed.
My response to the complaint was, "just ask for the other flavors." Then she starts going off on me that in her own apartment she had choice and apparently the 6 flavors of chips are not enough. I saw her apartment and believe you me it had lots of stuff growing out of the carpet but hardly any food. Which is probably why adult protective services sent her my way.

On the personal front, the lady friend and I had a fight last night about absolutely nothing. She got off the phone with her mom and she had annoyed her and she decided to vent it on me. That coupled with the fact that they keep delaying her treatment and she is dealing with idiots at work does not make her a happy camper. Good thing is she does like to sleep a lot more now which makes things a lot more peaceful.

I postponed my NC trip cause I am now going to be in Florida sometime this month to deal with some property development shit, which is pretty cool cause I could use the money. And Alex...I plan to be in MN on May 30th so I guess we'll have to hang out some other time.

Yet again i have not left the blog

2006-03-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

so I decided to post again. I have nothing to say other than the fact that my girl's lymphoma is malignant which sucks ass. they keep delaying her treatment cause they are unable to classify it. It appears to not be growing which is good in a way. Other than that everything is peachy. No one is gonna read this which is all good in the hood. Maybe if I get some comments this thing will be worth bringing back

I went to a Coldplay Concert

2006-02-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

and yes I am the gay. Basically they had a great light show ala the Maint Street Electrical Parade circa 1984. I sat behind some goomba straight out of The Sopranos who rocked out to them (devil horns and all) as if they were Pantera. Then he proceeded to girate as if he were dancing to hip hop with his troll of a wife (or husband, not too sure). I then pissed off some 16 year olds behind me with my lack of knowledge of song titles. I referred to every song as 'Fix You' and it set em off like Queen Latifa in that shitty movie. I then went home and jerked off to Chris Martin.

R.I.P. Chris Penn

2006-01-24T22:12:00.000-08:00

Ye shall be missed
Footloose and Beethoven's 2nd were classics

I love art

2006-01-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

in fact I was thinking of printing this out and framing it in my new place.
if only I knew what inspired such a glorious work.

Special thanks go out to my new favorite artist. I hope you're enjoying your time on the ranch with this guy

Blogshares

2006-01-18T17:34:00.000-08:00

So I was dicking around on the internet, which I have found myself doing more every day without the time drain that is BL and I came across Blogshares.com. After messing with the site I found all of our blogs there. I quickly proceeded to purchase as much of them as possible. Apparently Joe has been a member a while and traded his blog. Joe I am now the majority owner of your blog, as well as yours Ang. Alex, I own 35% of yours. Hell I even own some of CJ's. I figure that site will pass my time for all of 2 days, in which I will just sit on the "stocks" I own as they plummet. By the way, Joe and Ang...thanks to my purchasing of your blogs your apparent "value" has skyrocketed. Now all I have to do is have a fire sale and sink your blogs into oblivion.

Also, while dicking around I came across a perfect site for you Alex.
The army theme is for you Ang.

Also...I just got a message from Joshler. He tells me he got banned. Someone please update me as to what that loveable teddy bear got banned for. I need my Joshler fix stat.

I Fear Change

2006-01-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

I felt it was time to update the blog. I even found a few sleek templates, but alas, I couldn't figure out how to get the Peanut Butter & Jelly Time pic and my dancing penis thing incorporated. So I have decided to force my readers to help me figure this out. I wanted to put the dancing penis where the arrow pic is on the right side of the blog and wanted to fit the Brian pic in the header.
Joe:
I give you a DOA character pic to massage your member to

Ang:
I give you a nice photo of your favorite Sore Butt Bluff star.

Alex:
I highly doubt you'd help seeing as your own blog is in disarray, but here's some glucophage anyway

You are now obligated to help me

The Church of Man Love

2006-01-13T10:09:00.000-08:00

is such a holy place to be. So anyways after days of my "friend" harassing me to help him save his relationship, me helping him, and him further fucking it up I finally told him it was gonna be my way or the highway. And we all know that highway rest stops are the bathhouses of the new millenium for many, many gay men.
He kept telling me he had a problem expressing his feelings, which led me to question why he was such an oversensitive douche if he couldn't express his feelings. So I tell him to write a letter for hi woman and to give it to her and walk away. He has a tendency to cling like a bitch. So he comes to me asking, "what should i write?"
I proceed to come up with as many cliches for love as I can and dictate his letter to him. Then he decides he wants to improvise and throw in his own clingy mushy shit. This is where I drew the line. I told him if you ask for my help you listen. There is no room for error unless you want to spend the rest of your miserable life alone. He might as well move back in with his parents.

So he "writes" this sappy letter and delivers it to her. He then proceeds to hang around her so she can read it in his presence. Luckily I called him and told him to go home. His girl is the type that wants what she can't have (pretty much like every woman in the world) so I had to explain the "unavailable" maneuver. Finally through all his bumbling she tells him she loves him and wants to be with him. He then tells me he loves me, which is kinda odd cause I don't really know him all that well. He then proceeds to hug me in one of the gayest moments I have ever experienced. I stood there with my arms at his side as he embraced me with tears in his eye. I repeatedly said its okay, occasionally patting him on the back so he would let me go. I think he was sporting wood...or he had a tootsie roll in his pocket.

So I apparently saved the day...but I give his relationship only 3 more weeks tops. I hope it goes longer cause I can always use that letter as leverage over him. Hell, he has reserved me a new Xbox 360 game and bought me an extra controller. Good thing he paid in cash for the reserve and its in my name so he can't retract it if he gets dumped againn.

also...what the fuck is up with me updating my blog more than all of you...that ain't right

I may have alienated my readers

2006-01-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

with my last post. Please forgive me as I give you this awesome pic.
So anyways, a "friend" and I use the term loosely as he is more of an acquaintance calls me today balling like a school girl cause his girlfriend is probably gonna dump him. He insists he meet me for advice. Who the fuck am I? Dr. Ruth? So anyways I tell him I'm busy, cause I do have to pay the bills somehow, yet he keeps insisting...so in an effort to get him off my back I agree. About 2 months ago I was a dumbass and saved his relationship cause he didn't know how to play the game. I talked to his woman and basically fed her every stupid line imaginable. I then proceeded to tell him what to say and he proceeded to fuck up every solid gold line. He also is the insanely jealous douchy sensitive type so its hard for him to deal with relationships. He gets too emotionally involved, too fast.
Judging by the way he acts I'd swear he was a virgin before he met this girl. And now he is calling me again so I need to go and change his diaper.

So I Finally Caved

2006-01-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

and bought myself an xbox 360 last week (I know you've had yours for about 50 days Joe). I felt I needed a fix as I haven't really played many games as of late (probably due to the fact that I am a sex addict). Why did I buy it? For one game only. Smash TV. I forgot how ridiculously hard that game was to beat without continuing. I also bought Perfect Dark Zero, which looks amazing on my 73'' DLP...yes my TV is that big which means I am overcompensating for something (I wonder what).
I justified the purchase to my ladyfriend (aka my biggest critic) by claiming that the TV is so big I had to have a wireless system so that I can sit at a safe distance. Plus its high def and I need everything to be high def to feed my anal retentive nature.
As good as Perfect Dark Zero looks, it can't hold a candle to Fight Night Round 3. I downloaded the demo from Xbox Live (I am a Silver member cause my old one expired and I don't have time to justify paying more for it...for now at least) and have enjoyed kicking the shit out of Roy Jones, Jr.
Hopefully Perfect Dark will hold me over until Street Fighter II Turbo Hyper Fighting comes out.

Oh yeah...to follow up on the Laker/Clipper game. Frankie Muniz handed out the game ball. Rosanna Arquette sat courtside (and might I add she has an awesome rack). The Lakers won. Kobe blew up. The box seats were awesome. I got to ride in a Hummer Limo to and from the game. I bumped into Penny Marshall at the VIP entrance and she mummbled some gibberish at me when I said "excuse me." I have now realized that every trip I make to LA I bump into some B-list celeb worthy of being on Inside Edition, which is kinda weird.

The Cincinasty Adventure

2006-01-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

I flew on a plane

I landed in Cincinnati

We had a cup of coffee (Cincinnati really looks like Japan)

I slipped her a roofie and took care of business

I used these in honor of Joe

I then left Cincinnati faster than you can say Chris Sabo

CJ was sad and got all dark and depressed

The end....for now

Lakers vs. Clippers

2006-01-06T11:32:00.000-08:00

Box Seats baby, and yes I am going. Funny thing is I don't care about basketball anymore...I have been soured being a Warriors fan and seeing them miss the playoffs for the last 11 years. The last good live basketball experience I had was when I saw the Warriors beat the Blazers and Chris Webber tore it up. So anyway, I am heading down to the city of angels with my lady friend to visit some friends, hang out, and take in a game.
I can't wait to stick a giant sausage in my mouth when I'm in the box...translate that.

update: I once met CJ in an airport. We had a cup of coffee. I nearly missed my flight.

I shall post pictures of our Cincinasty adventure in my next post

The New Year Rules

2006-01-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

but not really...i just didn't feel like following the negative trend set by my only 2 readers. Anyways, New Year's Eve was quite uneventful. I went to PF Chang's for dinner with my lady friend, my brother, and his lady friend (mainly because I slacked on the reservations and could only settle for this). The bright side was the place wasn't nearly as packed as it usually is. We hung out at the bar for a while and a shocking thing happened. My brother actually picked up the tab. I'm not getting too excited about that, cause I'm probably going to end up paying for it later.
Dinner was pretty uneventful. We had to order a bunch of vegetarian and seafood dishes as my brother is now a pescatarian (he loves Jesus) so I didn't get to order the meat that I craved so much. We finish dinner at around 11:00 (thanks to the late reservation) and head over to my brother's girlfriend's house (maiinly cause I was too lazy to go downtown, plus it was freezing). We proceed to get drunk off of wine (which is generally not my fortay) and watch Dick Clark (who looks like he is one encounter with a New York whore away from death).
After this, I headed back to my place to get busy, and by busy I mean go to sleep. I am generally an insomniac so when I can get somerest I take it, even if it means I pass up on getting laid.
We then woke up and watched the 40-Year Old Virgin and then she made me brunch which was pretty good. We took the rest of the day pretty easy until we started fighting over some trivial shit. But then we made up with angry sex and all was well in the land of Kav.

Call Me Dr. Phil

2006-01-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

Cause my sexuality confuses many and I give advice when it is not needed. So I never concluded my North Carolina story as I left that god forsaken state and haven't had time since being back on the West Side. So basically part 2 of the BL adventure ended up with me and the evil one going to some pub in the middle of fucking nowhere...occupied by about 4 people. We then returned to the Carolina Ale House, but sadly Blossom was not working. It was here that Ang's fagginess exceeded levels which I thought she wouldn't be able to.
She thought some waiter was cute, but she couldn't talk to him so I tried a few passing comments to get his attention. It was only until after opening my mouth did I realize he seemed more interested in flirting with me instead of her, which made me come off as gayer than Liberace. Good thing she also set her eyes on Blossom's bad replicant (I say that cause he's similar looking to Blossom, but with only 4 front teeth).
This is where we proceeded to leave the Ale House for Jax's (and yes it was owned by the Mortal Kombat character)

The crowd wasn't as large here, but was better simply for its mullets. We tried a few times to get a picture of him without making it too obvious that we were, so we resorted to me pretending to hang from a basketball rim that was just over his head. I will forever go down in history as the guy who dunked on one of the members of Foghat.

For a while it appeared as if Ang had an in with Bad Replicant, but this ended poorly as he chose to serenade the fat mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Apparently this woman with a huge rack who was even browner than Ang (probably due to the 18 coats of foundation) peaked his interest a bit more (and we all know what I mean when I say peak).

So we were then relegated to playing cod batting, strip poker, peep show, and trivia on one of those video game things.

All in all we both ended up seeing lots of titties, Ang got donkey punched and succeded in ruining the stereotype I had set up for her all at the same time. We then proceeded to an IHOP where she ate a sausage covered in menses.

By reading her new blog she regained some of her "street cred", but I am seriously starting to doubt her abilities.

Before Kav

During Kav

After Kav

I feel like breaking trend and posting my New Year's Adventure in a few days...just to be different

North Carolina!

2005-12-29T08:02:00.000-08:00

C'mon and raise up. Take your shirt off, twist it 'round yo hend. Spin it like a helicopter.
Now that I got the obligatory gay comment out of the way I can get back into the blogging thing. Lets see if I can remember how to do this.
So anyways, I am in the Tar Heel state for some really lame family get together, which is extra fun as my family really doesn't get along. So I have been relegated to hanging with the kids, which is fun for the most-part but taxing as well.
I got to hang out with Ang last night and was quite impressed with the amount of guys she pointed out that she slept with. She also told me she was hung up on Six from Blossom, which led me to believe that she really the slutty woman I portrayed her as, but rather a gay man who craves the cock as it is her life force.
We discussed many a topic including, DP, ATM, Sphincter/Anus relation, Kandinsky, Hairy Brown Guys, Small Cocks, and the Carolina Hurricanes.

Judging from the faces her fist was much bigger than mine

She puffed that cigarette as if it were a ranch covered carrot

I have not left the blog

2005-07-27T10:06:00.000-07:00

yes...I have been dicking around on RoosterTeet.com, and my internet time has gone down considerably, but I felt the need to post something new here. I have absoultely nothing to say, except that I will say something when I have the chance. I'm sure none of you are reading this right now.
I shall return

The oddest 4th of July

2005-07-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since I've posted or even checked the sites, but I was out of town. I went down to L.A. to visit the girlfriend and have to say the trip was quite fun. I flew down on Friday and immediately got laid. I had dinner with her folks which was quite interesting as her step-dad apparently liked me more than her.
We ended up going out for drinks with her friends at FireFly which was a pretty cool lounge. Friday was pretty good, even though I stayed sober, but I got mine so it was all good.
On Saturday we visited Disney Land which was a blast. Once again I used my amusement park scam to skip lines. All you have to do is go to guest services and pretend you have a knee or ankle problem that doesn't allow you to stand for prolonged periods of time. A bandage can help, but Disney Land is quite easy when they give out the handicap passes. So we went on every ride 2 or 3 times by 7 PM and then called it a day.
We headed back to her place and fucked some more.
I don't remember what we did Sunday cause we stayed in. We watched some documentary called "The World According to Bush" but I wont elaborate on that cause I try to avoid political discussions or discussions that have any relevance for that matter.
Needless to say a lot of sex was had.
So the 4th of July comes around and we weren't sure what to do. She wanted to hang out with one of her friends from work. So we decided to check out the fireworks at Marina Del Ray. So we drive out to her friend's place in Sherman Oaks so we can ride out to the fireworks together. As we get there her friend had a friend over who was apparently gonna drive us. The dude was wearing some fruity-ass cowboy hat and appeared to not have shaven in 3 or 4 weeks. He kept talking about how he had just wrapped ("wrapped" is hollywood lingo for finished) some reality show and had just got back in.
He insists we drive out to some party before the fireworks so we agree. As we arrive at the party there are 5 people hanging around a grill. All 5 of these people are "actors." I use the term "actors" loosely as they have yet to actually act in anything. I'm sure I did see one of em in a herpes ad though.
So Mr. Hollywood (the guy with the doofy hat) says there is a huge party and we should go to that instead, so once again we decide to (seeing as he is our ride and all). Meanwhile he continues describe his reality show and how he got to hang out with George Foreman, Jr., Brittany Gastineau and Pat Benetar's kid.
His show is called Filthy Rich and premiers on the E channel next month. So, my girl her friend and I are quite bored as his stories go on until we finally arrive at this other party. We get in and there are maybe 7 people there. Half the crowd were Brazilian models, which was kinda cool except I couldn't understand a word they were saying. Then I had to listen to them make fun of my name for 5 minutes. Finally I told them just to call me Kevin and leave it at that.
We had a good view of the marina from this place except it was kinda cloudy so the fireworks were nothing more than colored clouds and a lot of noise.
So my girl and her friend insist on going to the Cheesecake Factory for drinks and dinner. Mr. Hollywood starts bitching at my girl's friend saying she's ruining her night and that we coulda gone to a massive party. Anyways we get to the restaurant and proceed to get fucked up. Finally I decide to ask Mr. Hollywood who his parents were (mainly cause everyone else on his show were celebrity kids). He then tells me his dad is Robert Blake.
As he says it, I hold in my laughter as I sip my Bikini Martini. His dad was Baretta. I kinda felt awkward cause we had talked for a good 20 minutes or so about how Mark Gastineau (father of one of his co-stars) went to prison, not unlike his dad.
I wanted to tell him that I thought his dad was nuts and awesome, but I decided to keep my mouth shut.
So we get wasted and discuss many things such as how he dated Salma Hayek and my girlfriend's lesbian tendencies, etc.
Then we headed back home and I got laid again.

Story over.
And for the record I only referred to my getting laid 4 times, but in reality it was a lot more than that.
Additionally I did say I had a Bikini Martini and I am man enough to admit it.

The Christians control nano-technology

2005-06-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

Not that its much of stretch. So last night I go to some fundraiser that a business associate of mine invited me to. I decided it seemed cool and I didn't want to fuck up any future dealings I may have with this guy. So I decide to bring my brother as he is in town and we rarely hang out.
So we go to this thing and it sucks major ass. Apparently the fundraiser was for a cultural arts program. Normally I'm for the arts, but when the owner and major contributors of the program are all millionaires I find it sad that they would line their pockets with money that they con into getting with some sob story.
So anyways, as I walk in I note that I am sitting in the reject section (which is apparently the guests of people who donated). Sitting in the back alone with my brother was probably a blessing as we were able to express our usual dickhead self by insulting everyone in the room.
The night seemed to be going at a horribly slow pace, but at least the food was good. After a few segments in the show, my business associate (who by now is completely wasted) insists my brother and I sit with him at his table right by the stage.
We decline, but he persists, so we agree. As my brother and I walk to the front we were laughing at something (not really sure as the whole night was hilarious) and I guess we looked quite giddy.
As soon as we sit, they announce that there is a fashion show. My brother and I quickly look back at the people in the adjacent tables and they all seem to have this look of disgust (mind you majority of this crowd were 50-something). I here someone whisper "horndogs."
What makes the situation worse is that the models were probably all 16 or 17...not really sure. So as the brief fashion show ends, some stupid ass singer comes up. My brother and I were eager to move back to hidden seats, but at this point were trying to save face, so we sat through that shit.
Following that act, my brother comes up with the genius idea of giving this singer a standing ovation, in the hopes of convincing the rest of the audience that we were huge fans and only sat in the front to hear this douche sing. I'm sure in his head he thought it was a success, but I didn't feel the same way.

So the night goes on and I try to find an excuse to leave, but then the "associate" catches me in the lobby on the way out. He proceeds to tell me about how many hot women there are at this thing (he is in his 50's and the crowd was too) and I dismiss him in an attempt to take a piss.
As I walk into the restroom and proceed to whip it out at the urinal he stumbles in. In an awkward moment he rests his arm on my shoulder, basically checking my shit out as I pee and tells me he is tired of "old ladies" hitting on him. This is about 2 minutes after he was saying everyone in the place is hot.
Somehow I find a way of getting out of the bathroom and he confronts me one last time. This time he tells me that the Christians are going to rule and destroy the world by controlling nanotechnology. He turns around and shares this view with some random stranger and I run for the door.

All in all it was a fantastic night.

I love 15 year old boys...

2005-06-17T17:05:00.000-07:00

and not in the way you might think. For those of you not in the know, Joe has opened my eyes to the wonderful world of Rooster Teeth and it is a filled with a plethora of feisty young boys...just being let out of school for summer break, getting ready to tear into anyone they see on the internet.
If you're not a member I highly suggest you sign up...if not for any other reason but to train yourself for the BL modifications that are coming soon.
Anyways, the sight has many cool features...many of which would be well suited to our BL home. But the coolest is the abundance of oversensitive adolescents and their threats of banning and locking threads. It seems that my gifts of being a tremendous prick have not failed me.
Hope to see you all on Rooster Teeth...my username is ChristyAnn

Oh no!!! Some oversensitive fag banned me from BL!!!

2005-06-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I'm supposed to do...some douche bag actually spent the time to give me the "You're Banned" page that the_real_chipper got. I feel honored to be among the select few to be banned.
Thats right kiddies...its the same tool who took the time to ban Martin. My advice to the oversensitive pussy...get a sense of humor.
Anyways...to the mystery assailant (I wonder who it could be?), I hope your mad internet skills help you get some ladies without having to pay em for it. Good luck cybering.

Image altered due to overwhelming fagginess

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but old dogs can sure as hell fuck a blanket

2005-05-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

I have a dog named Odie. He's half dachsund, half chihuahua. I got him almost 4 years ago. In fact I got him the day after he got neutered (if only I had been there a day earlier).
Over the years I've had him he's never had a sex drive. In fact he tends to be quite depressed around the bitches. They all tend to get submissive around him (basically begging for him to hump em), but alas he never felt the need to do so.
Until a few weeks ago. My girl was in town and needless to say we fucked like rabbits. Normally his dog bed is in my room, but he sleeps on my bed anyway. So we made a point of leaving him out of the room when we got it on, mainly to spare him the trauma of seeing my balls.
As we all know, dogs have a heightened sense of smell. And apparently he was able to smell our pheromones and this seemed to get him all hot and bothered.
After one session we cleaned up and let him in the bedroom. As we open the door he bolts in, panting, basically all hyper. He has a tendency to get hyper when he's in a playful mood, but this seemed different.
So he jumps up on the bed, forms my blanket into a ball with his paws and proceeds to go nuts on it. For the first time in years he was able to get it up. I was quite proud of his red rocket as it had never reached this level before. He was basically hung more than some dudes, which is kinda odd seeing as he is only about a foot and a half long, weighing in at a massive 10 pounds.
As he was showing my blanket who was boss, my girl ran for her camera and took the following pictures. She finally got the roll developed and emailed me the pics...and here they are

A lot of shit has happened lately

2005-05-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

and absolutely none of it is interesting in the least. First off my internet has been down and my workload has increased which explains why I have failed to live up to the Semmy-like standards that we have all got accustomed to.
So anyways...out of my recent lackluster period the most noteable happening is that my parents officially despise the girl I'm with right now.
Its not a big deal as I always expect them to hate whoever I'm with. Somewhere in their bicekering I said, "you should be glad that I'm straight...at least I got that going for me."
Needless to say they didn't find it nearly as humorous as I did. So anyways...what makes this case different then all the others is that now my parents are actively trying to break me up and set me up with some girl they like. This unfortunately adds the pressure to find the special "someone" in their eyes. They're probably feeling pressured as my little brother is quite serious with his girl and in their fucked up way that implies that I have to be serious too.
During my single periods (however short they may be) I was never set up with anyone as I would never want to go out with any girl my parents liked, as I have absoultely nothing in common with them and don't appreciate their poor tastes.
So anyways...now they've sicked this boring ass nut job on me, who apparently doesn't get the hint that I have a girlfriend. Basically the only thing this chick has going for her is looks and money, but nothing else up top. Anyways...thats all that has been going on with me lately.
If anyone wants to get hooked up with an esthetically pleasing yet impressively boring person feel free to send me your number and I'll forward it to her.
Additionally I would like some advice on how to blow this broad off, as all my previous efforts have failed.

also...my blog address has changed due to random ass bitches from "real life" have been trying to talk to me on the internet...creepy

Yet another console

2005-05-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

Here is the PS3...I'm sure all of you in the know have already checked it out, but seeing as I already posted pics of the other systems it would be wrong to leave this one out cold.

The Revolution is upon us

2005-05-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

I figured Alex wasn't too happy with all the Xbox 360 stuff cause he is more of a Nintendo fanboy

This one is for you buddy

The Geek within me has officially taken over

2005-05-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

Thats right...I decided to cave in and buy Star Wars: Episode 3 tickets. I went to the theater yesterday and picked up some tickets for myself and some friends. I decided not to deal with another midnight show (as it was barely tolerable for Episode 2 [primarily due to major suckage]) so I picked up tickets for Thusday.
Initially I had tickets for lunch time, but something came up so I had to change it to 5:45. Then something else came up so I had to change it to 7:30.
I eagerly anticipate waiting in line amongst an army of middle aged men who live with their parents dressed as Jedi. I only hope to avoid another incident in which I steal some douches lightsaber toy (via my "force powers") and pummel him profusely.
I am expecting this movie to suck ass as I do not care for intergalactic senate relations or whatever other shit George Lucas finds worthy of wasting half a film on, but I need closure.
Hopefully they kill off all the jedi in good fashion...that'll definitely make it worth my while.

Since I know Alex would want to check this out

2005-05-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you all really care, and due to the fact that Joe decided not elaborate I bring you the Xbox 360

Icons

2005-05-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

Ang...I told you I would get you on all fours
As for the rest of you...I hope these pathetic little icons bring joy into your otherwise meaningless lives.

Enjoy

It's A Mother's Day Miracle

2005-05-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I just quoted a lame cell phone commercial. Anyways I decided to spend mother's day with my mother (which if you know my relationship with her is a feat in itself). What did we do, you might ask?
Well I had made reservations at Benihana, and even convinced my brother to take time out of his busy schedule to drive down. Did it all go according to plan? Not in the least.
So I talk to my folks on Saturday and they tell me that they were invited to someone's house for lunch on Sunday. No problem...I could just bump the reservations back from lunch to dinner.
As quickly as I did that, my dad tells me his cousins from out of town are coming over for dinner. At this point I gave up on my whole going out to eat idea.
Now I had to get her a gift, which I was trying to avoid by taking her out to eat. Every Mother's Day for as long as I can remember, she has hated every gift I have ever given her. She may not say it, but the fact that she returns the gifts or never uses any of em kinda leans towards that. She always said don't waste your money on stupid gifts.
Seeing as it was Sunday morning and I had no gift, I hauled ass down to the local Safeway and pick her up some flowers. Apparently I wasn't the only one partaking in the last minute shopping. I had to wait in line for about a half hour for one fucking item. Anyways...I make the mad dash back to my parents' place just as they had finished getting ready to go out.
Maybe it was the fact that she was in a rush to go out, or was distracted with something else, but she accepted the flowers and was in quite a pleasant mood when doing so (which is not normal for my mom).
So anyways we went to their friends' for lunch which was quite nice. Only problem was their friends' daughter ended up giving my mom a nice set of earrings for Mother's Day, which made my offering of flowers look quite pathetic.
After lunch, my brother heads back up to his place and I head back to parents' place. I help my mom clean up the place and prepare dinner for my Dad's cousins.
This is where I realized that I shouldn't have stuck around. I get stuck for the next 4 hours baby sitting 5 little babies. The oldest of which is 2 years old. "Pediatrics is your specialty," my mom said as she dumped them off with me.
I love kids...don't get me wrong, but 5 without any other help was a bit overwhelming.
Seeing kids on a regular basis with help of nurses and staff is much, much easier than dealing with em by myself (albeit 5 at once is a bit much as well). Maybe it was the fact that I kept them busy so my mom could enjoy herself, or maybe it was the fact that I was covered in mashed carrots by nights' end, but my Mom actually thanked me for a wonderful day.

It was kinda creepy

Sexo de Mayo

2005-05-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Just thought today was more important than 5-5-05. Normally I'm not a huge fan of Mexican , but I could definitely see myself eating some today. Alas she is out of town so I am shit out of luck.
So anyways...I didn't drink at all yesterday as I felt no need to partake in drinking based on a pseudo-holiday (please refer to The Luck of the Irish post). What did I do you might ask...I watched 3 straight episodes of Teammates on ESPN. Why you might ask?
Cause some fuckhead had the remote and I was too lazy to get up. I followed up this eventful day by trying to watch Days of Thunder on ESPN, but found myself bored shitless and only got through about a half hour of it. I guess NASCAR is boring in all forms.
Anyways...I hope you all get laid on this very special day as I don't see myself getting any.
And one final note...I hope you all are as stoked as I am for the steaming pile of horse shit that is the Kentucky Derby

Cock Rock

2005-05-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

Not a lot has happened since my last post. I am no longer fucking like a rabbit...which means that Ang must have returned to form (its how the universe balances itself).
I picked up Ridge Racer for the PSP and have yet to play it...the graphics look sweet, but I haven't found the time to get to it yet...hopefully it is as good as the reviews say.

I also have found a way to finally utilize the blue tooth feature in my phone thanks to my new computer...No longer will I have to pay for ringtones or games (which I have yet to do anyway) as I can just transfer my MP3's and all sorts of other shit from my computer.
Sadly my phone only has a 32 mb memory card so I can only watch short clips of porn so far.

Additionally...a special shoutout goes to Joe who added the little dancing penis for me. And congratulations go out to CJ for making my links section again. How long will it take before I break your blog again?

Presence Makes The Dick Grow Harder

2005-05-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

Fuck that absence making the heart grow fonder shit. Its been a while since I have posted and a lot has happened in the last few weeks. My girlfriend came up from LA last week and I was "pre-occupied" if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I've been boning for the last few weeks.
So anyways...it was quite the eventful trip. Firstly she bought me a PSP, and might I say it is fan-fucking-tastic. I've been playing Tiger Woods golf religiously and am almost at the legend level. She also got me Tony Hawk's Underground 2 for it, but I have yet to really get into that one yet. The graphics are solid and the speakers are quite decent for the size. All I need now is one of those 2 gig memory cards so I can watch movies and put more music on it.
Anyways...I could rant on and on about videogames but I'm sure that would get you too excited so I'll stop.
So anyways...after dealing with my piece of shit laptop that had plagued me for years only to fry out (please refer to my "R.I.P. HP Pavilion ze5170" post) I finally caved and purchased a 15 inch Mac G4 Powerbook w/ Superdrive.
And might I say that it is quite amazing. I had to wait to get it on Friday cause Mac OSX Tiger was coming out that day and I didn't want to shell out the money to buy that seperately.
So I drove up to Sacramento to purchase it with the intention of using my brother's student discount. Luckily there was a gift giveaway at the Apple Store and I won 10% my purchase, which turned out to save me more than the student discount would have. So far I haven't really had too much time to dick around with it, but seeing as my girlfriend left today I figure it will be a good distractor.
I am currently in the act of redoing my iTunes library and restocking some of the valuable porn that I had lost.
Anyways...I guess I missed a lot (seeing as I have lost the number 1 stop I had once held on Joe's blog) but I feel that the constant fucking, getting a PSP and a new laptop is a pretty fair trade off.
Hopefully this link will help me move up in the rankings
Additionally I would like to welcome back CJ to posting on the blog. You should definitely talk to my new friend Shirley...she's just as fucked up as you are.

Taking it back to the old school

2005-04-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

Thats right bitches! I have decided to bring back a little flavor in the form of my transportation.

To give you a little back story...I got back from Shitcago (and all other parts of Illinois) last week and have returned to the wonderful Bay Area. So I moved back into my bland place (sadly the walls are not adorned with pictures of Paris and douchebags) and came to the realization that I no longer had a car.
So what did I do...I called up the folks. Yes, I regressed to my highschool days and asked mommy and daddy for a car. They are pretty well off and have a fleet of nice cars, any of which would have sufficed quite well. After about a half hour of sweet talk on the phone I decided to tell them my predicament.
All was going well...it appeared as if I would be hitting the road in style. Until they told me which ride I would be getting. They said it would be cool if I could drive the car they loaned me back in my highschool days.
A 1992 sky blue Toyota Previa. The fucking "egg" as it was referred to in my youth. I recall converting the back into a bed so that I would take "naps" in between class.
But alas, my once glorious chariot has become a heaping pile of shit. My parents left the car with the employees for lugging crap around for the family businesses. The radio and CD player is gone...there are only 2 seats left in the car...the sliding door doesn't open...and I'm sure there are quite a few other problems that I have yet to discover.

Normally this wouldn't be so bad, except my girl is coming into town (she decided to take a break from nailing Anfer in LA) and I gotta pick her up in this turd.
In other news, I got Anfer's DVD in the mail...I figured I'd watch it when she comes up...she can tell me what she sees in him, and she can tell me which one of us has a bigger penis.
As for the new ranking system on Joe's blog, I am quite happy. It means that all you other fucks with blogs out there need to keep the standards quite high or very low at the best (I hope that counted as a shoutout). Additionally feel free to click on the picture.

Liss is a tremendous cunt

2005-04-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you all know that. I would also like to congratulate her on what will most likely be her only shout out.

Seeing as she removed her breakfast of champions post I figured I'd bring back the picture for those of you who missed out.

Enjoy

Disturbed

2005-04-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

So I was dicking around trying to edit my blog...thankfully I have superior computer skills and I am a master of copying and pasting html code. So anyways I added a counter to the bottom of my site cause I'm cool like that.
So, after I add it I get the urge to click the "next blog" tab at the top of the screen. The first page I end up on is some douchebag who works at Wal-Mart's page. He rambles about the fun and excitement that he experiences everyday as part of the Wal-Mart welcoming comittee. "Fuck that !" I says and I decide to click on the "next blog" tab again.
And it brought me here. This site offered an audio blog, which I thought was pretty nifty. So I decided to click on one of the links. Figured I'd hear some tool talk about collecting Star Wars action figures or drool over some bitch he's got a crush on.
Anyways...my prediction couldn't have been farther off. After listening to the first 30 odd seconds of her discuss swallowing a hot load of splooge I felt that my colleagues were getting uncomfortable.
So I decided to leave the audio experience for all of you. But especially for you Alex...I figured you'd appreciate the few clips of her having some of the sex.

Side note: After spending the greater part of 2 hours doing quizzes with "someone" I learnerd what type of care bear I am.

Tramp Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Why must I be so damn irresistable

2005-04-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

In my opinion I am subpar at best. However my luck with women is always streaky. I'm usually casual and laid back in my approach as I tend to get my fair share of ass, however as of late I am just getting annoyed.
It seems that women usually don't give a shit about me until I start seeing someone. Then they all start to crawl out of the woodwork. During my initial single periods they wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. I guess there is some fucked up lunar alignment in which they gain an affinity to my dick.

When my ass got dumped a couple months ago, I went through my dry spell. It lasted about 3 weeks. Just as I start to get my groove back my options seem to open up. At first this was a good dilemma to have. I mean, which hot blooded young male would turn down a smorgisboard of fine ass.
So anyways...after careful deliberation as well as groping I decide on one. This is normally a good thing. I'm guaranteed a steady piece of ass (no offense if you are reading this baby), however other women have to complicate shit for me.

I don't know if they all just suddenly got desperate, or if they just realized I exist. I'm not the one to cheat (however I have no problems breaking up with someone and fucking someone else the same night) and will never be that guy. So now I am left to kick myself for being so amazingly hot.

I guess it could be worse. I could be celibate*.

*Ang reference. I hope your hyman grows back in nicely.

Peter Jennings is trying to steal my thunder

2005-04-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

After reading my last post he decided to go and get himself some lung cancer. Well fuck you Jennings!!! I can get lung cancer if I wanted to.
And might I add that Prince Ranier III of Monaco passed away as well.

Way to jump on the bandwagon guys!

Terminal Illnesses are the new black

2005-04-01T11:36:00.000-08:00

I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon and declare that I have terminal cancer of the ass. If Terry Schiavo and the Pope can die or be near death, than so can I.
I can no longer sit by and watch the headlines that should be devoted to the upcoming NFL draft go to 2 people who have asoultely nothing to do with my life.
It is for this reason that I have decided to throw my hat into the ring.
Please send cards, flowers, gifts, and money to me. I feel these will help ease my pain as I progress into the next life or at least 6 feet under.
I feel if I'm rotting in the ground it will be much better if I rot in style.

R.I.P. HP Pavilion ze5170

2005-03-23T15:03:00.000-08:00

It has finally happened. My piece of shit lap top that I had lugged around for the last 2 years has finally died on me.
Now my plans of giving up on real life and living on the internet are smashed...for the time being at least.
I still have access to the internet, but I am unable to achieve the CJ-esque levels I had dreamed of.
Now I am left to decide if I should purchase a new computer, or fork over the 400 dollars to fix my decrepit piece of shit. The only attachment I have left to it is the 10 gigs of music and 20 some odd gigs of porn which I hadn't backed up.
Now I am left to rely on the 80 gigs of porn on my external drive. It seems quite stale.

St. Patty's Day is O'verrated

2005-03-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Thats right bitches...I said it. I'd put this post in green font, but I don't care to make the effort. Since recovering from my sickness a while back I was out of the game. And by game I am referring to binge drinking my liver away. So as of late I have returned to the big leagues and am finding myself rejuvinated.
No amount of liquor has been enough for Kav version 2, and it is this fact that has led me to being much more critical of my drinking endeavors.
As I said a few weeks ago I already celebrated St. Patrick's Day and I must say that I had a fan-fucking-tastic time. The Carbombs flowed freely as did the urine from my numerous episodes of public urination.
I had built up St. Patrick's Day ever since then. I mean the real day had to be better than the preliminary. Wrong!!
Don't get shit twisted. I drank excessively...from noon on, but something seemed off. It seemed more forced than it should have been. From leaving my desk on break I rushed myself to the bar and started throwing some shots back, only to return to my desk cause my partners in drunken debauchery were, to sum it up in one word, pussies.
Anyways...after heading back to my place for all of 20 minutes I got a call and I was off to another pub.
3 hours passed by and they seemed to take forever...the place was dead, and this only added to my frustration. I pretty much only enjoyed myself in the last hour I was there. This is probably thanks to me picking up the pace.
So anyways...I left the pub early as I had a lot of shit to do on Friday and I intend on being out again at night. At this point in time consecutive nights of alcohol toxicity is quite a stretch...my stamina is not what it used to be. One big Mcfucking disappointment.

Additionally: I don't need an Irish holdiay as an excuse to drink...and if you do need this as a reason I must say Fuck you and eat a dick.

I must've been a hobo in a past life

2005-03-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

My inner urges to live the life of a bum has surfaced recently on a few occasions. One incident that I can recall (which means recently as I have pissed away or supressed any long term memories) took place last Friday.
After a night of partying (which was supposed to be an early night) I ended up realizing that I didn't have the key to my place at 4:45 in the morning. Sadly security wasn't at their post and my roommates had long since passed out so I was left to aimlessly wander the apartment complex.
The place I stay has a clubhouse that opens at 5:30 in the morning...and that is exactly where I wound up. At this point in time I had reached my second wind and decided that it would be a good thing to go to the gym. It seemed like a good idea at the time...apparently the fitness buffs who actually work out at 5:30 in the morning didn't agree with me.
They were sitting there in their spandex leotards and jump suits, while I was working out in the same clothes I wore the night before. After a rigorous 10 minutes I decided that I was bored and went to the main room to watch T.V.
It was at this point that I passed out. Finally 8 o'clock hit and I decided to check the security post again so I could get in...yet to my dismay the guard was not there. Seeing as I could wait no longer and my true dickhead nature was waiting to come out I decided to wake up my roommate and tell em to open the fucking door.
Luckily they answered on my first attempt and I had finally reached a bed. I had shit to do at 2 in the afternoon so I was forced to go out and function to some diminished capacity. After that was done i proceeded to take a nap in yet another public place. Then I woke up, ate and slept yet again.
I feel this experience taught me how the other side lives. I didn't get to experience drinking my own urine or jerking off random dudes in a subway for quarters...but I think I already know what that would be like.

My Inner Nerd Weeps

2005-03-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

I'm opening myself up for insults from the likes of Alex & Joe with this one. Thats right...that was a double shout out yo!!!
Anyways, I consider myself to be a Star Wars whore...if it were possible I would go down on a Wookie. I've gone to see the 2 previous prequels in theaters, going to the midnight shows nonetheless. As much as I hate to admit it, I didn't think they were all that great. Needless to say that didn't stop me from purchasing them both on DVD.

To clarify, I am not one of those dudes who comes to the dressed in full jedi gear; not that there is anything wrong with that but my mom doesn't have a basement and if she did, she sure as hell wouldn't let me live there.
Furthermore I am not one of those fanboys who waits in lines days or weeks in advance to purchase my tickets...thankfully I am a firm believer in advance ticket purchasing and using friends to stake positions in line for me.
Anyways...back to my point. It recently came to my attention that the new Star Wars Episode 3 trailer will be airing today on Fox. The short clip I saw got me pretty stoked. The only downfall is that it will be airing during The O.C.
I have made it a point to avoid all things to do with this show as I am no longer 15 years old and am lacking a vagina. This is my dilemma. Do I suck it up and deal with the shitfest that is The O.C. just to watch what will probably end up being 1 minute of the best parts of a movie that will probably blow major ass?
Or do I do what any normal hetero-male would do and skip the whole fiasco, and download the extended trailer off the net?
These are both questions that I have the answer for, yet for some reason I ask it. If only my inner nerd wasn't such a whiny bitch.

The Luck of the Irish

2005-03-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I ended up celebrating St. Patrick's Day with town of Champaign and an assload of U of I students. It took a few hours of drinking before it was brought to my attention that St. Patrick's Day isn't for a few weeks. I was not deterred as the green beer flowed like a fine boxed wine. I am happy that I have ample time to prepare for the festivities in Chicago.
First thing I gotta do is buy a green shirt, cause I was the only one out last nite who didn't have one and I would ever so much love to fit in. Secondly I need to arrange transportation, cause in my drunken stupor I found it quite hard to hail a taxi at 2 in the morning. Thirdly I need to make sure I only take cash and not run a tab, cause thats when things get out of control. And fourthly I need to add an additional sentence so that I may say fourthly.

Every day is Wednesday...except for the weekend

2005-03-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

I have realized that I have lost all grasp of time. Maybe its the fact that I am burnt out constantly, but I am starting to believe that every fucking day is Wednesday.

I had a friend who suffered from this same ailment and I guess its contagious. There has been multiple occasions when people have asked me what the date was...needless to say I was oblivious to this...then they asked me if I knew what the day was. When I'd reply Wednesday, they'd say I was wrong and tell me what the real day was.
Why would they ask me what day it was if they knew this fact themselves? I concluded that people who ask you questions that they know the answer to are dickheads and cunt-ass bitches.
Thankfully I have retained my awareness of the Friday-Sunday range, as I usually have plans (unlike some people who are online 22 hours of the day*).

And for the record I am well aware that today is Thrusday...thanks to looking at the calender on my cell phone; plus I already assumed it was Wednesday this morning and was corrected.

*Obligatory CJ shout out. Congratulations for receiving your first shout out Carolyn J.

Friends don't let friends rent The Grudge

2005-02-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

Thats right...I said it. That movie sucked tremendous donkey dick. Not just regular donkey dick...TREMENDOUS!
Not one, not two, not three, but four of my so-called "friends" highly recommended this steaming pile of dog shit.
Sadly...picking up my dog's crap is more interesting. When I do that he gets all happy and wags his tail, which then makes me happy.
Nobody wins with The Grudge...not me, not my dog, not Bill Pulman, not anyone...save Sam Raimi who apparently made an assload of money from this colossal turd.

The only bright side of the whole situation is that I got a free rental for pre-ordering the Incredibles on DVD...its too bad that I shall never get the hour and 40 minutes I wasted on this.

Therefore I have decided to bill Sam Raimi and whoever else produced this fucking heap for my time. I figure that $2,680 is adequate compensation for my time and the emotional scarring I experienced.

Expect a letter from my lawyer shortly, Mr. Raimi

Land of the Little People

2005-02-24T15:05:00.000-08:00

I have been in Illinois for the past few weeks and have noticed something odd. I can't seem to find an adult size urinal. Without fail, every restroom (with the exception of those in Chicago) are equipped with children's urinals...which leads me to believe that everyone in this state (once again with the exception of Chicago) are midgets. I just need to find out where they are hiding.

Normally I use the children's urinal anyway, but thats cause I anticipate a kid coming having to pee and being forced to use the adult size one. It is the difficulty of the act that I find amusing, but I am also teaching this kid a tough life lesson. He needs to grow up and learn how to pee in the big urinal or be forced to get some sort of infection on his willy. However, with all the urinals standing approximatley 2 inches from the ground I find it difficult to teach my lesson to the kids.

Additionally I have noticed that most people in this state are unaware of the rules of public urinal use. In my last 3 attempts to drain the main vein guys have tried to have conversations with me. The common factor: they were all fratboy douches. The next time some guy tries to flash some retarded hand signal at me while I am holding my penis is gonna get dick slapped.

The minute or so I spend at the urinal is my time to reflect on things that are going on in my life. Not engage in mindless conversation with "single-serving friends."

What are we to do? I propose raising all the urinals to standard size, teach urinal etiquette in elementary school and kick Illinois out of the Union.

I've been dumped

2005-02-17T21:29:00.000-08:00

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do,

two can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number that you'll ever do

Valentine's Day is for homos

2005-02-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

That's right...I said it. Valentine's day is nothing but a fruity ass pseudo-holiday created by Joe Hallmark to sell a shitload of useless paraphanalia. I think it is obvious to say that my view expresses my current single status. Needless to say I decided to put this post in festive red to please the hopeless romantics (namely Alex).
Which brings me to an odd fact that was brought to my knowledge the other day. Apparently for the last 3 years I have broken up with the girl I was going out with at the time prior to this ass-sucking day. Usually they do something that annoys me and I adopt an avoidant behavior to prevent me from saying or doing anything that may get me dumped, which ends up getting me dumped anyway. Its a catch-22.
So my friend tells me I suffer from attachment issues and I act to distant towards women to prevent myself from getting too emotionally involved. She followed this off by telling me that I view women as objects and nothing more than a "hole for me to fuck."
Cutting her off for fear of hearing some Freudian crap about my penis or an Oedipal complex, I decide to tell her that I value her opinion and she is a true friend for expressing such wisdom.
Translation: You're lucky you're my friend and I'm not in the mood to argue. Now go fuck yourself...and while you're doing that pick me up a cup of coffee.
After this discussion I realized what my problem is. It wasn't any of that psycho-analytical schovanistic bull shit she was trying to pin on me. No sirree Bob. I suffer from a relationship allergy to the month of February. It makes perfect sense as I looked at the pattern of most of my break-ups. It is my immune system's natural defense mechanism for me to fuck up relationships at this time of year. I could probably suffer from hives or even worse anaphylactic shock.

Now all I have to do is wait for the New England Journal of Medicine to post an article regarding this alment or wait until March 1st (whichever comes first) to get into a new pseudo-relationship. My advice to you...save all of your money on crappy gifts and spend it on important shit that can benefit you, like baseball cards or comic books and shit.

Remember, if you are in a loving relationship they are obligated to have sex with you regardless of gifts.

What happened to you Mr. Boggs?

2005-02-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my hotel room here in the Dirty South (thats Atlanta for all of you who aren't hip with it) and I decide to watch TV, which is not unlike what I would be doing if I was home and this Medical Hair Restoration commercial comes on. This ad has been on quite a while and features such sports legends as Wade Boggs and Mercury Morris (who I have never heard of however cool his name may be).
I don't know if it was my hatred of Atlanta or its shitty weather but this commercial annoyed me more than usual. When did Wade Boggs become so sad? He says that the hair restoration works yet clearly it hasn't worked for him. Then as the narrator says the description of the product they show Wade Boggs swinging a bat a few times followed by some obligatory posing.
Its like they had nothing for him to do, so the director says, "Hey Wade...why don't you swing that bat there a few times." I'm sure the director followed this comment up by giving a round of high fives to everyone on his crew.
Moral of the Story: Wade Boggs is a sad old man and if you ever see him in a dark alley asking you for spare change, don't give it to him. Cause he sure as hell aint gonna spend the money on his hair restoration.

P.S.- What happened to Semmy?

Out of Order

2005-02-02T20:14:00.000-08:00

what happened to the blog?

Video Killed the Radio Star

2005-02-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

I finally cracked and bought myself a camcorder, which I really had no need for. So I bought a Sony DRC-HC85 Mini DV. It only took me 2 days and trips to 5 stores to find one that had a good deal on it.

Initially I went to San Jose to Fry's Electronics just so I could check em out and I started talking to a sales clerk who looked like some bizarro hobbit. I pretty much had my mind made up on the HC65 and then he told me I could get an open box HC85 for the same price. So I decide to buy it. As he rings it up at the register I discover that he lied to me about the price.
Turns out it was 200 dollars more. Normally I wouldn't mind as much, but these salesmen work on commission which likens them to used car salesmen. So I tell him no deal and decide to go check out the iPod accessories at the other end of the store. As I was browsing the little hobbit came running up to me saying he was sorry he was mistaken about the price and that he had accidentally rang up the wrong model. He tells me his manager will even throw in a free bag and a couple mini DV's if I buy it.
So, once again I make the trek across the large store to the camcorder section. This time when Bilbo rings the purchase up its only 25 dollars cheaper then the original total. At this point, the hulk within me was starting to get pissed so I told Bilbo to take the camera and all the accesories and shove it up his ass. Then I stormed away in dramatic fashion.
As I walk out I notice that Miss February 1999 Stacy Fuson had set up an autograph table for the premiere of the new Playboy video game. I started wondering if these ingrates in line still lived with their parents and jerked-off to the naked video game characters.
So anyways I head to a bunch of other stores and decide that I'm not going to get the camera, until I hit Best Buy.
I had a self imposed embargo with this store as I found most of the shit they sell a lot cheaper at any other store. Until, I saw the HC85 camera...which was selling for $775. So after a few minutes of haggling I get the guy to throw in the camera bag. Then I went to Costco and bought the miniDV tapes for half the price of any of the other stores.

Moral of the story: Don't trust a hobbit cause they get hair on their feet by jerking off to video game porn.

gay hobbits can be found here

Alabama Chicken

2005-01-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

A little over a year ago I went to go see my brother's girlfriend's dance show at UC Davis and it was an interesting experience. The best part of it was I heard the "chicken song," which I later learned was titled Alabama Chicken. The song was written and performed by Sean Hayes (not the gay guy from Will & Grace). Anyways, I heard he was playing up in Davis this last Thursday and decided to make the hour and a half treck up to see my brother for the concert.
I'm not a huge folk music fan as I think it truly is for dirty tree-huggers, but I was delightfully surprised that the concert was very good. The little coffee shop he played in was completely full, so apparently he is quite well known in the hippie community.
Anyways, the moral of the story is if you go to see a folk singer play remember to wear your birkenstalks, smoke an assload of reefer, and not bathe for weeks on end. Also check out Shawn Hayes if you ever get the chance.

Back in Effect

2005-01-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have finally decided to return to the blog. I hope my absence was long enough for dramatic effect. In the last month I have returned to California and am currently working on my new position as a drain on the economy. Seeing as bloggers are so important to the world I have decided to once more bear the responsibility...plus I need something to do pass my time.

Most Productive Day ever...

2004-10-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

I went to the hospital at 6:30 AM this morning and stayed until noon cause I had a small case load. Then I went home watched the first 2 episodes of GI Joe: Rise of Serpentor and fell asleep until 6:00 PM.

Now that I'm up I plan on being quite ambitious with the remainder of the day. I intend to watch the final 3 episodes of the Serpentor saga and maybe eat a microwavable burrito.

It feels so good to have a life

Poetry Corner...part deux

2004-10-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm like Dr. Seuss minus any shred of talent. Mind you this is spur of the moment. Special Thanks go out to Ray, who is the inspiration.

I came into work the other day
And who did I see? It was Flaming Ray.
He undressed me with his eyes and had to say
"You're looking mighty fine, would you happen to be gay?

Its been a while since I've had a taste,
Of a hot blooded man's sweet, sweet paste."
On hearing this I turned in haste.
As I started to run, he screamed, "if you don't use it, it'll just go to waste."

I sprinted out the door, I ran as fast as I could.
He chased after me screaming, "I need that wood!"
A car nearly hit me, but I jumped over the hood
It was kinda like Dukes of Hazzard and really, really good.

I hopped in my car and sped away
He yelled at me, "you will rue the day
I asked to give you head and you refused to stay!"
And that was my story of Flaming Ray

What?

2004-10-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

So I blew out my eardrum a couple days ago and am temporarily deaf in one ear. Normally this would suck, but I realized this gives me an excuse to ignore people and not come off as a total prick. It further supports my belief that if i fail to acknowledge someone than they do not exist.
Plus the bleeding from the ear gives me this sickly look which should get people to avoid me more than usual

I forgot I had this thing

2004-09-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while since I blogged and I know no one gives a shit...but I thought I'd add an entry anyways.
My life is hectic, but what else is new. I don't like to share my feelings in this "diary" cause I am not a nancy-boy.
I got nothing else to say so I leave you with a parting message.
When teabagging, remember to cup the balls.

Not a god damn thing to say...

2004-07-13T10:22:00.001-07:00

and not a damn person is gonna read this, so I can write whatever i fuckin want. I would write whatever I want even if people did read this. I am just bored and have nothing better to do than post this shit.

and on another note, I think that Kenny G was a member of Color Me Badd.

Hot Dog Eating Contest

2004-07-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

When the fuck did eating become a sport?! I was watching that hot dog eating contest on ESPN 2 (don't ask me why) and they kept referring to the competitors as atheletes. They described Kobayashi (the 4 time defending champ) as the greatest athelete alive in any sport.

The guy set a new world record of 53 and a half hot dogs and buns. They said it was about 18 pounds of food. What frightens me is that the guy is 130 pounds himself. Apparently I have been living under a fucking rock, cause last I knew eating wasn't a sport. I ate dinner today, so I guess that qualifies me as a finely tuned athlete.

Personally I don't know what is worse. The fact that they consider this a sport, the fact that it was televised, or the fact that i actually watched it. It is 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

Extreme Boredome

2004-06-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have absolutely nothing productive to say at all, which isn't a far stretch from my daily life. So I figured i'd put another post up. Seeing as nobody knows this site, or those that do know don't give a shit. Fuck balls!!!

The WB's Superstar

2004-06-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

I never watched that show before the finale. And i must say I found it dissapointing. I expected the bad singing, which I thankfully got. I just expected them to rub it in the winner's face that they sucked and that they had no shot in hell at being famous.
Personally i thought they were being way too nice, but thats just me (and I am a fucking prick)

Poetry Corner

2004-06-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

More, More, More...You better give me more.

I paid you good money you fucking whore!

If you don't give me more...I'll have to show you the door.

Then I can play with myself, but I'm not really sure.