Poon Job's Palace

I have been in Illinois for the past few weeks and have noticed something odd. I can't seem to find an adult size urinal. Without fail, every restroom (with the exception of those in Chicago) are equipped with children's urinals...which leads me to believe that everyone in this state (once again with the exception of Chicago) are midgets. I just need to find out where they are hiding.

Normally I use the children's urinal anyway, but thats cause I anticipate a kid coming having to pee and being forced to use the adult size one. It is the difficulty of the act that I find amusing, but I am also teaching this kid a tough life lesson. He needs to grow up and learn how to pee in the big urinal or be forced to get some sort of infection on his willy. However, with all the urinals standing approximatley 2 inches from the ground I find it difficult to teach my lesson to the kids.

Additionally I have noticed that most people in this state are unaware of the rules of public urinal use. In my last 3 attempts to drain the main vein guys have tried to have conversations with me. The common factor: they were all fratboy douches. The next time some guy tries to flash some retarded hand signal at me while I am holding my penis is gonna get dick slapped.

The minute or so I spend at the urinal is my time to reflect on things that are going on in my life. Not engage in mindless conversation with "single-serving friends."

What are we to do? I propose raising all the urinals to standard size, teach urinal etiquette in elementary school and kick Illinois out of the Union.